Sunday, December 25, 2005

Damn fine Christmas news!

Good news, everybody! Not only was Christmas fun, but I got a great update from a dude I been workin' with to publish a new book concept I had! Read on, but only if you hate information that sucks.

So, for a while now I been pitchin' this idea to Simon & Schuster and various other publishin'-arena Daddy Warbucks. My dude at Cantnell Osovich Derillio finally bit, and this spring you should be seein' a hilarious yet important new title on the shelves: Brand New Words and the Celebrities That Created Them!

As you may know, one of my hobbies is living on the outside edge of the evolution of language. Here's a little excerpt from my foreword:

Dear Reader,

Somewhere between an accepted, clearly-defined word, and a total nonsense group of sounds, lies the area in which new language takes hold. Shlemiel. Shlimazel. Chochacho. At one point, none of these words was considered more than nonsense. However, today, they represent powerful concepts that all can agree on.

More often than not, a celebrity brings these new word-ideas (WORDES) to the public via their great means of visibility (tv, radio, ads, etc). Their wordes may be mistakes because of a quick confusion of the mind, or they may be intentionally constructed after hours sitting at a writing desk with the OED. Either way, their flowering malaproetry deserves a showcase. This book is that showcase. Note how it is bound in "clearlamb," which is what Tom Sizemore once insisted was the word for the tanned skin of an unborn lamb, as he talked full-tilt with friends outside of an L.A. nightclub.


You and I are on a journey, and language is both our coach and our impossible goal. Speaking the English language is like jumping a sports car through a gap in a quickly-passing train, only to find that on the other side is a table full of girls from the Clinique counter who get quiet and then call you "random."

I hope you buy this book. I know I did.

Ray Smuckles
Achewood Estates, California
December, 2005

Friday, December 16, 2005

Happy everybody! That's right, everybody!

Hey, there! Happy holidays to you! And you there, behind the big leather chair! Happy holidays to you too! Yes, I see you! Ha ha! I saw you peeking around the corner!

Happy holidays to Brian Merriwether of 608 Scanlon, in Ardmore, Pennsylvania. I just looked you up at by guessing that someone had that name. I don't know you, and you don't know me, but that's what Christmas is all about. Good will to fellow man, be he stranger or foe.

Happy holidays to the next 500 people who drive past my house. Seriously! Wave — if I see you, I'll wave back. Person #501? Happy holidays to you too, but I'll probably have gone back inside. It's nippy around here at 10PM.

Happy holidays to anyone who is in a CT Scan machine right now, at this exact moment. I hope it's nothing serious.

Happy holidays to the dude at Crispy Wok who totally fucked up my last order of mu-shu. Rinse out the damn wok after makin' nasty-ass fish dishes! I threw that gross mu-shu in the trash.

Happy holidays to EVERY Italian.

Happy holidays to racists. (This one is tough for me, but I'm a man of my word.)

And lastly, happy holidays to you, for readin' this. I want you to pour yourself out a Doublewide With A Foundation, which is kind of like a An Angel Got His Wings, except you substitute sweet vermouth for dry vermouth.