My health was bad but now I'm ok! Please Read This.

Damn, I went through a spell there. I was pretty bent outta shape from some Korean food poisoning from this damn Korean place we ate at, and I actually had to have my 'tomach pumped. After that my internal systems (digestion, chemistry, hormones) were all outta whack and I was having mad trouble sleeping and even lost a little weight because I had this weird phobia about food. A hamburger was not at all appealing to me, and even a simple soup contained problems, as far as I was concerned. I couldn't even eat clear stuff (Nutritionists classify this level of phobia as type 1-A) so I was in a pretty bad way. The only thing I would take in was Tums chewables, so for about a week there all I got was antacid and calcium. Have you ever taken a perfectly cylindrical pink poo? I did that. Twice. About three inches, each time. Perfect as day.

Then I decided it was time for a change.

If there's one thing that resembles a phone call from the person who is in charge of the day that you die, it is the nature of your bad stuff. You know what I mean. We got to be honest with ourselves and interpret these "tea leaves" a little smarter, 'cause they're the only "e-mail" that we get from our internal organs, man. Put some stock in that poppycock (true definition - look it up).

That's why I'm thinkin' about starting a brochure about diagnosing your own tank 'kank and learning more about what your pancreas, liver, kidneys, septulum, and stomach are doing to contribute to the nature of your taddle. Do you follow me? This may be the most important letter you ever read.

Ray Smuckles
Achewood Estates
January 24, 2005

Time to Pah-Tay with Ruh-Ay!

Man, it's been a while since I had a really big do on a Friday night. I think folks are all back from New Years' stuff and ready to drain the brain, so this should be good. Oooh, pappy! I am thrilled to sink my fingers into the Yellow Pages and start workin' my magic in '05.

The first thing I need to arrange is the food. I'm pretty down on Asian lately (ate somethin' that disagreed with me earlier in the week) so I'm thinkin' either Tex Mex or Mex. Are there other kinds of food besides Asian and Tex/Mex? Oh, Italian and Indian. Duh. Well, Italian food ain't no good to party on, so I guess Indian. That's cool — wait, no. Indian food is always all like really wet stews, and parties need finger food. No wonder people at Indian-culture parties are always sittin' around with some paper plate that is slowly bending in half in the middle, wondering why nobody is dancing. Damn, planning the food without Asian options is harder than I thought it would be. I'll do this part later.

Hold on, I have to take some medicine that Doc Andretti gave me to help me sleep. I was havin' kind of bad dreams lately, he thinks it was brought on by the food poisoning I had earlier (the Asian thing I was talkin' about).

Ok, popped two down and I have about an hour to plan this party before I fall into some restful-ass sleep. The meds plus this tasty double Ketel Kat should have me snoozin' like a baby.

After planning the food comes music. Now, it's kind of cold out so

What is it with eggs?

Man, have you ever really thought about eggs? I have this hunch that eggs are like the explanation of the universe. Not only is the egg the most versatile food in the world, but it is also the vessel of life. You can do anything with an egg, from whip up a tasty soufflé to incubate a chicken that will be perfect for roasting. Did you know that some native cultures use egg whites as a base for face paints? I have been doing massive research on Google.

My interest in eggs started earlier today when I was makin' some hashbrowns. I wanted to think of what style of egg to have with them: Eggs Benedict (which also has a sauce made out of egg), fried eggs, scrambled eggs...damn! This helped me to realize what a talented little fellow the egg is. Eggs are used in all kinds of baking, in meatloaves, in pasta...it kind of makes you wish that as adults we had to do reports on stuff, because that would mad motivate me to put together a binder on egg information. School's funny that way: just about the time you start to get interested in stuff, you graduate and people stop askin' you questions. Maybe I'll hire a teacher to require me to do stuff.