Thursday, October 11, 2007

Finally Airborne!

Daaaamn, people! We actually airborne and on the way to bad old Australia! United Airlines, I’m gonna write a letter when I get back. This level of service is high-steppin’, and I am hella plussed. I got two plus signs for eyes. Here’s how the flight’s gone so far:


Took off from San Francisco International Airport. At altitude I started cruisin’ around the passenger area, meetin’ people. Since it’s such a long flight, folks loosen up, break out the guitars and straw-bottle chianti and stuff. Turns out I’m sittin’ next to one of the main chicks in Australia (a model? can’t tell), and also this top race car driver they got named Angus Walliams. He’s totally what you’d expect — little, wiry, way energetic, and full of pranks. When I went to shake the dude’s hand he spun around and mooned me so hard I almost passed out from laughter! That thing was like less than a foot from my face, and it had an intensity! I thought about gettin’ another moon goin’ on right back at him, but then I was like, better not have two moons dukin’ it out near the hot chick. Basic manners, you know. I’m pourin’ one out for Emily Post, here.

After that they announced it was time for dinner, so all of us up in first class scrambled back to our seats and hella feasted on filets mignon and whole grilled pompano on the bone. Definitely nice, and they were pourin’ the ’93 Pétrus, so we got much classed and ended up in a circle on the floor singin’ a folk song. Somethin’ about a little Koala who goes to the store but can’t produce the right change and he gets booted. I think it’s one of their traditionals, everyone seemed to know it but me.

Fell asleep with my leg over the chick’s leg but we didn’t talk much. When I woke up, it was...


The captain said we were well over the Pacific by this point, and that it was time for stereo music. (“Ladies and Gentlemen in our first class accommodations, it is time for Stereo Music.”) For about an hour and a half the first class cabin was filled with really nice stereo music while we brunched on prawn cocktail, omelettes, waffles and champagne. There was also this rad side dish of potatoes.

Later in the day a couple of the guys and I started talkin’ about US/Australia business relations, and we came up with some bomb trade ideas. For example, Americans love the phrase “shrimp on the barbie,” but no one’s ever capitalized on it in the US, especially where specialty grilling utensils are concerned. We blueprinted some proprietary shrimp grilling skewer/baskets, and I got to tell you, these are gonna put MAXIMUM flavor on the shrimp. After we got the sketches done and discussed the legal angles for a while, I ended up just hangin’ with this one guy Corwin and shootin’ the breeze about golf. Turns out he’s in real estate and wants to open the world’s longest golf course! Australia’s definitely the place. Texas people think they like big, but imagine havin’ an empty United States to yourself...Corwin’s got plans for a par-9 hole! Almost half a mile of fairway woods. I ask you, why can’t golf have longer holes? To hear him tell it, there’s no reason aside from limited imagination.

Fell asleep before the chick got back to her seat. She was on the phone a lot, but I’m hopin’ she saw me conductin’ business and was swayed by my manly authority. Am I buzzed? Should I say that?


Pilot says we’re within sixteen hours of landin’. Seriously, I’m startin’ to get cabin fever up here. We havin’ fun, but how many times can you say the same thing to the same guy who’s goin’ to the same bathroom for the thirty-eighth time? It’s like we basically know each other at this point, and it’s kind of awkward.

I guess I’ll start gatherin’ up all my laundry, Flash memory sticks, and earbuds. Time to start gettin’ serious about Australia. The printers onboard just started shootin’ out the cover stories from the Daily Telegraph, so I'm gonna get current on shark attacks and parliament and stuff.