A Thanksgiving call to mom.

Alright, so I didn't get out to see mom for Thanksgiving again this year, and she'd been leavin' all kinds of messages on my cell about not callin' her back, so I blocked out a good hour of time, fired up some calamari with mustard aioli, and cracked some Moët. Moms should be treated to the finest of phone calls, and if that means that the caller is lavishing calamari and bubbles on himself, then I think that just makes all kinds of sense. Getting a phone call from me when I'm munchin' and sippin' on the crispy brut is like talking to an enlivened spirit from Silk Dimension 9. You get better energy.

So, I have a few bites of the hot crunchy squid and throw back a glass, just to fortify myself for the long call ahead, and then I dial her up on the speakerphone. While it rings I trundle over to the bed and get my tray all balanced on a pillow that puts it at a comfortable level. It rings a few times, so I have the chance to put a few pieces in the old boca, which makes me cough a little. She picks up sort of outta breath, and seems kind of not herself:

MOM: (real strict) Hello. Hello who is calling please.

RAY: ACK HACK KHACKH ACK HACHK

MOM: Raymond! Drink a glass of water!

RAY: HRRRHKAKH HRKHAKH HRRR-R-R-R-RHR-HR-HR

MOM: RAYMOND!

RAY: (tries to slug from Moët bottle, which is a mistake, as it explodes out of my nostrils and dribbles from my lower eyelids) SQWRF! PFFFFFFFFFFPFFFFPFTTTHTTTH

MOM: Raymond, can you hear me? Are you drinking?

RAY: No, mom! No drinking here!

MOM: Is that Coca Cola, then? You always did drink Coca Cola a bit too fast. It will rot your teeth, Raymond.

RAY: It's diet, mom! It's diet! [places hand over phone and vomits tiny piece of calamari that has a huge piece of dried chili pepper flake stuck to it] [slaps chest twice] So how you been!

MOM: Are you okay?

RAY: Yeah, mom! But how YOU doin'?

MOM: I've left you seven messages, Raymond!

RAY: Aww, mom! We gon' talk about that or are we gonna talk?

MOM: I just don't see why you can't call your mother back.

RAY: I am callin' you back! Right now!

MOM: Why didn't you return my calls?

RAY: I am, right now!

MOM: I called you seven times!

RAY: And I'm returning those calls!

MOM: I don't see why you can't call your mother back.

RAY: I. AM. ON. THE. PHONE. WITH. YOU. RIGHT. NOW.

MOM: I just wish you'd call me back, is all.

RAY: Well, maybe I'll call you sometime!

MOM: Raymond! Did you just sass me?

RAY: No, mom.

MOM: Good.

RAY: Sorry, mom.

MOM: Good boy, Raymond.

RAY: Did you have a good Thanksgiving?

[seventeen hours of Mom talking]

RAY: Uh huh. Well, I guess we all hope that the troops get home safe.

MOM: That's right. Now, I have to get back to Circle.

RAY: What's Circle?

MOM: It's my workout gym. A bunch of ladies my age do a weights-circuit. It's all planned out.

RAY: So long as you enjoy it!

MOM: I love you, Raymond. Thank you for calling.

RAY: I love —

MOM: [click]