Butter, where have you been all my life?
No, I ain't met some sex club worker named Butter, though you could believe that. I'm talkin' 'bout fat little old mister butter—spread him on toast, melt him on noodles, drizzle him the hell on popcorn. You know what I'm on at, and you afraid to listen, ain't you!
You see, what with the health craze of the last couple decades, butter totally got shoved aside while people pretended to eat baked potato chips and olive oil. Don't get me wrong—olive oil has its place. That place is at the store, while you are buying butter. Remember how for a while people were sayin' you shouldn't eat eggs? And now they say you should constantly eat eggs or you'll die? Yeah, it's like that. You should eat what makes you happy (except fatties, who should the hell take a damn walk), and let the health press duke it out on the newsstands, which you don't patronize, 'cause newspapers and magazines have to say bad and scary stuff about everything or they'll get bought out by Reader's Digest Large Type Edition.
Anyhow. Man, I been thrillin' in the kitchen with butter. And I ain't took it too hard on the waistline, either. It's like, the whiny newspapers and celebrity diet books have us all in constant confusion about food, but once in a while you get that 2001: A Space Odyssey moment, like the ape with the bone who beats the ass of an ape who had no bone, and you go...BUTTER! BUUUUTTTTTERRRRRR!
I'm picturin' this: I'm an Amazonian tribesman, all in some loincloth with a snake necklace, and I'm runnin' through the jungle with this fresh grilled whole snapper in my hand. I stumble into a clearing, and rising up into the sky before me is a ten-foot tall stick of butter, the size of a fridge. I drag the sizzling-hot fish across the butter, then devour one side of it. As the melted butter and fish juices run down my face, I fall to my knees and scream to the heavens: "BUUUUTTTTTERRR!"
You know, that sounds like a good opening to a movie. The rest of the movie could be in the present day, about this guy who believes in butter but keeps getting doors slammed in his face. At the end of the movie, he lowers his vegan nemesis into melted butter, then laughs as the hours pass and the fat sets and the vegan's body is slowly crushed.