Beef's Bachelor Party - HARD PLANS.

I wrote much plans for Roast Beef's bachelor party in this cool retro-lookin' leather bound notebook I picked up at Restoration Hardware today. I even wrote 'em all out with a fountain pen, usin' my best scrawl, in case it might be a thing I can present to him like on their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Here are some of the party ideas I scritted down:

THE DUDE FLUSHES THE TOILET
This is kind of advanced, and it ain't for the Emily Post crowd.
The idea is this: when a toilet gets filled to a certain point, it will automatically "flush" itself, because of the water levels and the siphon at the base and stuff — you ain't need to pull the handle. Ergo, if a dude voids enough liquid into the toilet to make it flush itself, he will cause his friends great glee. This being the case, if we can fill Beef up with so much beer that he can "flush the toilet" without touching the handle, everyone will feel great glee and carry him around the house on their shoulders. (Incidentally, I learned this trick at junior college one night.)

THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK
This one is best done to metal, like Hell Bent For Leather, or the hip hop single Fuck Tha Police.
This one's kind of rough on the gums. You take Fritos — those rectangle corn chips half the size of a stick of gum — and tuck them vertically inside his lips, in front of his teeth, so that he gets a toasty yellow grill like a boxer's mouth guard. Then, one by one, each friend at the party tucks five bucks into the guy's shirt pocket, steps back, and takes a hard open-handed slap at the dude's mouth. It's a good way to raise money for the honeymoon, and the PERFECT thing to do to this music. Replace chips as they break.

COOKING LESSONS WITH NICK LEFABRE
At the Community Center.
Nick LeFabre has carved out a profitable local business by teaching dudes how to cook food that wives like to eat. In this class Nick says that wives like to watch fat and calories while still feeling special, and shows some signature dishes: cranberry preserve on lemon-rubbed toast; summer pea spoonfuls with thrice-blanched black pepper. (This would be more like one that me and the guys wouldn't go to, kind of a morning thing for Beef only.)

Daaamn. Lookin' over this thing, seems all we need is a pony, a shotgun, and a place to hide the body. Bachelor party, we COMIN' FOR YA!