Friday, November 19, 2004

I forgot to tell you about what happened at McDonald's!

Damn, cookies! I went to McDonald's like I said and ordered food enough for me and Téodor (two Big Mac meals, super-sized, each with apple pies). The first Big Mac had the Monopoly Park Place playing piece, and the second one had Boardwalk! I was a little high (like I said, I had smoked to make it seem believable that I would order that much food) so I immediately got all paranoid that I was gonna lose the game pieces and the million dollar prize. I wondered if they could take the prize back if you were high when you won it, and if I was so high that I was gonna leave them on the table when I left, all that stuff. Real carefully I tucked them into my wallet and consumed the food at a normal speed. Téodor never showed up to eat his half, so real carefully I started to eat that stuff too. By the time I had polished it off I was feelin' pretty sick and had to put my head down on the table for a second.

Next thing I knew I guess a couple hours had passed because I was completely dehydrated and there was this big puddle of drool on the table. My coat felt pretty funny — apparently teenagers had wiped ketchup on the wax paper burger wrappers and stuck them all over my back and shoulders. These had dried pretty well so I couldn't pull 'em off without a lotta pain and maybe some hair loss. Plus, they had smeared mustard all over my glasses and I couldn't see too well. Like a flash I checked for my wallet: you guessed it, the little bastards had boosted it. The winning game pieces were gone! I felt like I was gonna puke, and lord knows I had the ammo, but luckily I held it down. I sat and caught my breath. There is a right way to get smoothly out of any situation if you think hard enough, and I applied myself.

I decided that the first thing I needed to do was go to the bathroom and get cleaned up. The men's room was out of order so I knocked on the ladies' room, which was empty. I soaped and scrubbed the sink and made a little warm bath in it, and had just started to clean my glasses off when a lady barged in with some kid. She started screamin' and I bolted, burger wrappers still all stuck to my body.

I guess the manager had finally gotten around to calling the police about the passed out, trash-covered bum in his restaurant, because when I ran out I got intercepted by two badges who wrestled me to the floor. Needless to say, they didn't buy my story about getting the winning game pieces stolen offa' me by some kids, and they certainly didn't believe that I played golf with Sergeant Callahan. Pretty soon I was downtown gettin' booked, and a wino with real bad snot runnin' outta his nose was completely staring at me.

After about two hours Bill (Sgt. Callahan) walked past the holding tank. By this time I had managed to remove all the wrappers and pat my hair down, and the wino had let me wipe my glasses off on his shirt, so I looked more like a nice guy who'd maybe had too many the night before than an insane high maniac who wore garbage and attacked women in the bathroom at McDonald's. Bill took one look at me and gnashed his teeth.

"Those morons," he growled.

He unlocked the cell door and I strode out.

"I told those clowns," he said, "to call you about the wallet we recovered off some skater punk who got hit by a truck. Looks like they thought you were the driver." He made his old "aaargh!" sound and raised his fists in the air, the same thing he does when he misses one of those two-foot putts of his.

"Oh," I said, "no trouble, Bill. You're buyin' on Sunday though!" (we were playin' in a foursome with Mayor C and Leo who owns the Caddy dealership, and those guys like to get pretty lit up after a round.)

Before you could say Rusty Nail I had the wallet back, game pieces intact! Bill even had an officer drive me back to the pad, and I found five bucks tucked between the seat cushions in the cruiser.