Friday, December 16, 2005

Happy everybody! That's right, everybody!

Hey, there! Happy holidays to you! And you there, behind the big leather chair! Happy holidays to you too! Yes, I see you! Ha ha! I saw you peeking around the corner!

Happy holidays to Brian Merriwether of 608 Scanlon, in Ardmore, Pennsylvania. I just looked you up at by guessing that someone had that name. I don't know you, and you don't know me, but that's what Christmas is all about. Good will to fellow man, be he stranger or foe.

Happy holidays to the next 500 people who drive past my house. Seriously! Wave — if I see you, I'll wave back. Person #501? Happy holidays to you too, but I'll probably have gone back inside. It's nippy around here at 10PM.

Happy holidays to anyone who is in a CT Scan machine right now, at this exact moment. I hope it's nothing serious.

Happy holidays to the dude at Crispy Wok who totally fucked up my last order of mu-shu. Rinse out the damn wok after makin' nasty-ass fish dishes! I threw that gross mu-shu in the trash.

Happy holidays to EVERY Italian.

Happy holidays to racists. (This one is tough for me, but I'm a man of my word.)

And lastly, happy holidays to you, for readin' this. I want you to pour yourself out a Doublewide With A Foundation, which is kind of like a An Angel Got His Wings, except you substitute sweet vermouth for dry vermouth.