Daaaamn! I was just out on the back deck when all of a sudden, beneath the boards, something like sixteen crazy raccoons started havin' little squeaky rape-babies and growlfights! I mean, I don't know exactly what was goin' on, but that was my mental impression. I stood out there with a broom in one hand and a brick in the other and just made all kinds of sure that they didn't get anywhere near my door. After a spell a pretty fat raccoon dude charged off across the yard and up a fence, and the fight sounds stopped, and all that was left was squeaky little baby raccoon chitter.
Is it a thing that the man raccoon makes fighting sounds while his little raccoon kids are gettin' born? Because I don't think he was actually fightin' anyone. I think he was just showing what a loud stud he could be. Totally low-class, you know. After a while his wife was all like "Steve would you PLEASE go get some wipes from the gas station! This baby is here NOW!" And Steve was all like "squitter squeek hell yeah I gonna go get some wipes now that I made all my badass sounds."
Anyhow, I might flash my Maglite down between the boards over there tomorrow to make sure there ain't no corpses or whatever, in case I actually mis-heard a bad gangfight or weird extreme fetish group all into mortal-ponyboyin' or deathsmothers. Raccoons are real crass, gettin' into just the lowest of stuff, and almost *always* on other people's property.