Thursday, January 12, 2006

Damn raccoon made a dog bark!

I was out on the back deck havin' a smoke just now when I heard another damn raccoon messin' around beneath me. Needless to say I hadn't bothered stickin' my head down there after the last time, so I never really took care of the problem, although I did try takin' a leak over where they were, to try and do that "markin'" thing. I'd been havin' Amstels, though, and my scent might have been kind of diluted, cause obviously this dude wasn't scared. I guess I wouldn't be too worried about a bunch of digested Amstel Light layin' on the dirt, either.

Anyhow, I got kind of mildly pissed and yelled down at the dude.

RAY: What the hell, sucker?! You KNOW this ain't your damn house! You know this is MY house!

RACCOON: squitter squeek squeek

RAY: I KNOW you heard me! Your kind didn't make it this far not bein' able to tell when a dude was pissed!

RACCOON: chitteroo! chit chit! squiteeeek-eek-eek!

RAY: Yeah, I know you only got dog-type language, but it ain't like you don't hear the tone in this voice!

RACCOON: teek-teek-teek! teek teek!

RAY: [alternates slapping open palms on chest, like a gorilla] Ray! Ray! Ray!

RACCOON: squiteek! chitter-pik!

RAY: I...AM...RAY!

RACCOON: [chewing on something]


RACCOON: [silent]


RACCOON: squitter squeek squeek! [it sounds like he's stepping on tin foil]

RAY: Damn raccoons. [goes inside]

So, again, not too much progress with the raccoons, but a dog next door started barkin' at him too, and pretty soon the whole dog switchboard lit up, and I wouldn't be surprised if the whole nation was listenin' to the "dog Internet" barking five minutes from now. I bet this could be scientifically tracked, how a single dog bark in like Japan could wind up with a little Corgi barking in Buckingham Palace like six hours later, and the queen slaps him on the nose, and the Corgi is like, "Well, shit, dude. I was just sayin'."

Anyhow, kind of complicated thought. Sorry. Totally 90s of me.