I don't usually do this, but...

Damn, you all know I wear my heart on my sleeve. Well, today I was down at Victrolo's for brunch, havin' my special Metallica Cakes (two pancakes, each wrapped around a sausage, and the chef draws a little ketchup electric guitar on each wrap using a squirt bottle), and I finally did it. I asked Zochelle the waitress out. I can't tell you how long I been watchin' her fine rumpus walk past my table...they make them wear these tight black pants at Victrolo's, and these white blouses that you can usually see the bra through...Zochelle got that action goin' on. Girl is to sexy what crime is to jail: the reason. I mad want to bump when I see her.

So today I'm sittin' there munchin' on my tasty little Metallica Cakes, and she keeps walkin' by and fillin' peoples' water glasses and coffee and stuff, and I'm havin' my bloody, and I decide to step up to the plate. It was one of those moments where you kind of step off the bungee platform, you know? You think to yourself, I've just got the one life and I sure as hell want to go for broke. So I decided to attempt to get those chumptylicious thighs into my bedroom.

She was walkin' past, and I was looking pretty good. I'd done myself up with a slick a.m. getup and was sporting a sick Movado chunky silver bracelet. I held out my hand and intercepted hers. She wasn't really ready for it, you know, kind of jerking it away real fast (I let go, you don't want to seem like a rapist) but then when she got a look at me she stopped and smiled. I put it on the trowel and spread it heavy, fellows.

Turned out she was off for a half hour pretty quick, so I wolfed down the Cakes and closed the tab. We met around the corner at Tabla Hawaiiana, this fun Hawaiian-Mexican joint that specializes in eye-openers. I got her a Banana Sunrise, and I had a 7&7, and before too long her tight blouse and mad thighs got me cookin' up a banana sunrise of my own, in my pants.

We got poverty-style pretty quick and before long she decided to quit her job and come screw at my place. I was all ears for that and ten minutes later we rolled into the crib. She did a sexy little walk as she slid outta her black pants, and then in front of my bed she undid her blouse, button by button, totally staring into my eyes as my banana sunrise rose once again.

Damn, but sometimes you run into a liquor nut. Right in the middle of some pretty givin' slippy, she bottomed out and changed her tune from ooh ahh and started railin' about how rich guys like me keep her class down. I got to tell you, this came outta nowhere. I was lovin' this woman like a derrick and all of a sudden she starts showin' teeth. Before you could say Dry Rubbah she had run off to the bathroom and locked herself in there.

Once she started retchin' I voided the Lady Privacy rule and unlocked the door with the skeleton key. She was buck nude in the tub and blowin' chunks, so I did the right thing and sat it out, occasionally wiping various things off. I pumped up the little aerobed mattress and set it right by the front door. I figured we didn't want to see nothin' of each other after this, so I put some Odwalla C-Monster and aspirin by the side of the bed. Soon she was all tucked in and she had left by about 7am this morning.

I think I'm meeting Téodor for golf this afternoon, and maybe gonna go pick out a Christmas tree. I hope the Christmas tree lot doesn't try to force that damn free coffee mug with their name on it on me again this year. That is such a damn ugly mug.