I am horny.

Man, lately with my crud luck and the rainy weather, I am basically a member of the Klondike Club! I said that phrase earlier to Beef and he didn't have any idea what the Klondike Club was. Basically, the Klondike is like this area of Alaska or somethin' and it was mainly an area without women, mainly bein' explored by extremely grizzled dudes who had no outlet for sex for months or years at a time. That is what I meant by that. Beef said he understood and said something about Jack London and a mink pelt, but I didn't catch most of it 'cause he was mumblin'. You know how he is, all intellectual.

So what's a fellow to do? I'm probably one of the few guys who doesn't j/o, and I ain't that into the idea of a plain old alley b/j from a chick who just ate barf on video tape for heroin, so I'm thinkin' maybe a high-class escort is the name of the game. I met this player at Seven Pines who rolled cognac large, usually with a posse and always travellin' to St. Moritz or Bath. You know the type. I hit him up for the lowdown on how to get in touch with a classy escort and cool as day he flicked out a business card and wrote a private phone number on the back with a delicious Mont Blanc fountain pen (yes, diamond on the nib, tha Qínky). Dude gave me a wink and said to use his name when I called. Twenty-four hour service, anywhere, anything. Then he and his dudes smoothed off and got into this sick Bentley, his man at the wheel. I tucked the card into my pocket and privately canceled that afternoon's round.

I sent Little Nephew to the arcade with a little roll of Jacksons and poured myself a glass of Moët. I wanted to be primed and in the luxurious mode. I put on my Prada sandals and sprayed some Tom of France.

Here's how the phone call went:

RAY: [dials new Nokia hands-free]

[RECIPIENT OF MY CALL]: This is Treasure. What can I call you?

RAY: Hey sweet thing, this is Ray. Imaginationn sent me.

TREASURE: Aww, that's nice. He's a real good friend of mine.

RAY: Maybe you and I could get to be friends?

TREASURE: You sound like a real nice man, Ray. I'd like that.

RAY: So, is there a hotel where we could see if we are friends?

TREASURE: Your choice, player. [giggles]

RAY: [EXTREMELY horny at this point] come to my house

TREASURE: Ooh! I'd like that. I'll be there in half an hour, Ray.

RAY: I'll ice the Moët, Treasure. Wear something black that shows you off a bit.

TREASURE: My pleasure, Ray. Byyyyyye.

Five minutes later she called back to get my address and that was that. I'm expectin' her any minute now. I got another Moët on ice and a couple jimmies slipped in convenient places around the bedroom (under pillow, under glass of water on nightstand, hidden in sock on floor by dressing table, taped to bottom of Aveda soap bar in shower, etc).