smallest party ever

Yo, so I'm still, in a way, gettin' over the failure of the ENORMOUS BY RAY SMUCKLES party that I threw in July. I swung so big and took nothin' but air?! Yeah, it messed a dude up. For a while I was havin' actual issues, settin' up parties that I knew were less than I was capable of. One time, a single fondue bar for three hundred people. Another, a pony keg of Mickey's and Doritos as the only food. Beer lines snaking around the property like a new ride at a goddamned non-Disney amusement park, and crap for them at the end. I was ashamed, I was low, and I did not mingle much. It was a dark time, and I think every dude has those. Every dude I care to talk to, anyway. Yeah, that's right — old Ray been takin' himself through the wringer these days. But I think I worked it out last Friday night.

Yeah, I threw no bash on Friday. Not for anyone else, anyway. Gates locked, put out a few calls, had Mayor C plant a few utility crews around the sidewalks of my place to look like electrical or sewer was goin' on. I was in my room, a little puffed, tryin' somethin' new.

Yeah, I threw the smallest party ever. Absolutely the smallest. SMALL-N-TINY BY RAY SMUCKLES (original type was 3pt Times). I had some of those small dancing stick-figure pixel animations open in different browser windows on my monitor (no stick figure more than eight pixels tall), and I was at my desk with earbuds in (smallest way of listening to music). I had dialed in a band I found that played only one piano note every five seconds. Some college thing. So little music. So little to listen to.

For food I put a cashew, a Goldfish cracker, and a Frito on a small white coaster. To drink, I had that thimble from Monopoly and I used an eyedropper to squeeze in Ketel One from a little airplane bottle. My one decoration was a single chili-pepper light, powered off my USB. I did not move from my chair for the duration of the party, although at certain points I would quietly let out a little "woo-hoo" or "uh huh" under my breath.

The party lasted exactly one minute, which is the shortest measurable time a party can be said to last. In that stripped-down space I gained a huge new perspective on just how little it takes to have a good time. I ain't even get to the Frito or cracker, because I was cold focused on how nice the cashew tasted, all by his lonesome, with just one single piano note fadin' away in my ear. It was so...Japanese Nihongo. Minimalist. It sounds lame when I say it, but that cashew was really nice to eat, sitting at my desk with the tiny computer pictures and drop of Ketel.

So I got some ideas for my next party, which will be real, real subtle, but not so subtle that it surprises you. Even the way you get told about it will be subtle. I may hire a street team to personally tail each invitee for a day or two, discover like a urinal or park bench they always use, and then, like, write "Party at Ray's, 12/15" in the grout, or Sharpie it on a scrap of paper taped to the bench. Then, when they show up, this one older Asian man each of them will have seen walk by immediately after they saw the note will greet them warmly by first and last name. Yeah, keepin' with the Asian theme. Nice. The staff will all wear white, and little islands of flowers and candles will float in the pool. Ooh, this is just too good. This is like The Game good. I am SO not giving any more away on my blog right now.